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Secrets Girls Don’t Share With Men

1. We want to screw your best friend too.

2. We love to be desired and we love when move your lips along our neck — something you neglect to do after you “land us.”

3. The breaking-point in a newer relationship to us is the moment you quit calling us, texting us, messaging us, screwing us, as often, as persistent and as fanciful as you did before you “landed us” — before you got comfortable. It’s like, now I’ve got you, so gone is the fun partner-in-crime. Born is the little boy treating you like a replacement Mom to fulfill his needs. Born is the little boy sick of jerking off and more than happy to roll over, get off and go back to sleep… Boys only pretend to know adventure. Secret #3: GIRLS KNOW REAL ADVENTURE. And unless you get back to bringing on the good times with us, the relationship goes no further than shortly — sometimes, long — after you quit calling us, texting us, messaging us, screwing us, as often, as persistent and as fanciful as you did before you THOUGHT you “landed us.” … P.S. By “screwing” us, we really mean “making love” and on occasion, like once a week, we mean full-out erotica.

4. We love when you play “Daddy” and take care of us as long as you never tell us how do anything, unless we ask you to.

5. We are always questioning whether you’re the one from the moment you open your damn mouth to say hi, unless you’re repulsive and then, we just want to tell you to ” —– Off!” Instead, we’re usually nice — cause that’s what we’re trained to be — and we give you our number, never answer the phone and listen in disgust to your pathetic voicemails.

6. Contrary to popular belief among men, love can be found at a bar. I have more than one “happy-ending” story that can back this stuff up.

7. We are far from good girls in so many ways. Your Mom’s a bad girl too. She just hides it well.

8. When we are your inspiration and right hand man to a project at work/school that is publicly awarded, and you take total credit/face for the project we put 70 percent into, we look at you and think you’re a chump — a douchebag — and not a star, like everyone else does. We know the secret — like Einstein, your chick created your project. You only sheltered it with your name (a.k.a. your need to put yourself out there in some way). Don’t f-ing forget that! You are reduced to trash in our minds when you forget that.

9. Most babies are born in attempt to keep you.

10. Unless we are the “All-American-Married-Religious-Girl,” we feel a deep shame when we realize the natural reproductive power of our body — a realization typically happening when a “plus” sign materializes on a plastic stick. We don’t want to lose you. And here we f-ed up and got pregnant.

11. Girls love splendor. We want to be greeted with kisses, hugs, erotic banter, sometimes flowers or gifts personally important to us, every time we walk through your door.

12. Girls love wine, beer, great-tasting booze in general. And girls who don’t are just plain lying or repressed. Mostly, because they’re scared of themselves and all the things they want to do that come out when their inhibitions are lifted — like, —– your best friend or bending over letting you have at our ass. I mean, good girls don’t do those things right? And no guy would respect a girl who did, right? But girls want to do what you want to do. Quit punishing us and judging us for wanting what you want. We are not your Mom. But then again, all girls know your Mom wants to be taken by a hot and bothered lover much more than she wants to wash your damn clothes when you come to visit or screw your Dad who forgot she was a sexual being years ago.

13. It’s an insult to be with us unless you enjoy our company, sex and appearance a majority of the time over any other women. Just leave if you don’t feel enchanted by us. Someone else will.

14. “Ugly” dudes are hotter than gods if they are “everything” to us without trying.

15. We like our bathrooms and kitchen drawers set up a certain way and we will find a way to design the how most stuff’s placed in the house if we were ever to move in with you. And we do have a plan set in our head about how to arrange our stuff by month two of dating you. Though, we would never admit it.

16. We love cooking your dinner even if all we can cook is mac and cheese. It’s not that we like cooking, cause that sucks. We just like taking care of you and making you happy the best we know how – well, as long as you’re making us happy. Cause frankly, we know how to physically leave people we deeply love who don’t treat us the way we want to be treated. Though, we do long for them.

17. We also long to make cab drivers jealous if you know what I mean.

18. Even though we are kinda uncomfortable with it, we love when you adore and parade us around in front of your friends or in public in general. You know, when you put us on the spot by “molesting” us in front of your friends or in the corner of the bar. It makes us feel f-ing great, although terrified, when you’re proud to openly claim what’s yours and take care of it.

19. We’re dirty, slutty, gross, drunk… we poop, burb, fart, let dishes rot, let trash pile us, just like guys. Quit giving us grief when we’re not these “girls” you’ve concocted in your head. Quit giving us grief when we’re like you.

20. We want to be the Princess Bride.

21. We hate when you tip servers less than 20 percent.

–from a “Quarter-Life Crisis” chick

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